Five Weeks

Three. Whole. Months.

I am not a dedicated blogger, as one can see from the time span between now and my last post. For me writing is not something to be forced. That's why I hate English so much because I hate being forced to write papers. Don't force me to write!! It has to come. Freely flow from the depths of my soul. So now that I have successfully defended myself, I digress.

A few years ago I remember having a conversation with my mom in our van one morning after church. It was wintertime and snow was on the ground. I have no recollection of what we were talking about, but she made a statement that I will remember and repeat for the rest of my life:

"Things can change so fast it'll make your head spin."

Doesn't sound too profound I guess. But it's been something I've held on to and reminded myself of in the times that I've looked for a change, and in times I've been comfortable and not wanted a change. And when we really apply that statement to the pattern of our lives, we realize the ultimate truth it holds for each of us. Think back on the last five years of your life. Are you where you always thought you would be? Most of us would never have dreamed of being where we are now. Our plans and intentions change as time goes on and we, ourselves, change as time goes on. At the core of it, however, God never changes, and He has known where you would be today since before you were born.

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them." -- Psalm 139:16

Three months ago I had a plan for how my life would unfold this coming fall. Nothing too extravagant. Then what happened to me is what my mom had said. Things changed so fast, my head spun.

I was sitting at home one night, not really doing anything important, but feeling restless. That feeling in the pit of my stomach that said something wasn't quite right, yet I could not figure out what it was or why it was there. I sent out some texts to my closest friends asking them to pray for me and for my future. Have you ever said something that you afterward were surprised you said because you didn't know you were even thinking it? I've done that several times lately, and I did it on this night as well. I opened my Bible and prayed the Lord would show me where to look, what to read. Why was I feeling like this?

I took my Bible, got in my car and drove around for a while. Pulling into a parking lot, I turned on my light and began reading again. As time wore on I became more and more restless and my prayers became frantic and scattered. I needed answers. God, what is the deal here? Take this feeling away. I don't know what You want.

I fell asleep that night with no resolution, and went to work the next morning feeling the exact same way. My prayers were constant and I just knew I was getting a stomach ulcer. As my mind began to wander to my life and my plans, one thing became clear to me: All peace about my plans for school was completely gone. It was as if Jesus just shut the door in my face and said, No. I was terrified. I panicked. Standing in the Ivy Tech Bookstore, my stomach dropped and I wanted to cry. What? Just like that? What is this? I couldn't understand what was happening. I tried to act like I had just conjured up this horrible feeling myself and that it wasn't real. But I got more and more scared the more and more I tried to swallow and forget it. In that moment I knew that I was not going to IUPUI in the fall as I had been planning. My next terrified thought: Then what?? What is this supposed to mean?

My brain was going 90 mph thinking of every possibility for this revelation I'd just had, and as time went on I only became more confused and more insecure. The next two years of my life had just evaporated. I had no foundation, nothing keeping purpose in my every day routine anymore. I remember thinking Ok, if not IUPUI... then where? And then came every school I could think of. And when the name crossed my mind, I knew. And the fear that followed just about made me wet my pants.

For the past two years I've gone to Ivy Tech Community College in Indianapolis. I knew it was just a stepping stone but I hadn't any definite plans for a college afterward, until I finally decided I would just go to IUPUI since nowhere had an open door. Probably the most annoying thing about being in college is when every single school you've ever applied at seems to never lose hope that you will one day be attending THEIR university, so they call you at least once a week. One school in particular being Liberty University. Great school, but I never really planned on going there. Virginia is just too far away. I applied because that's what you do when you're in college. You see a school's name, you apply. It's a rule, isn't it? But seriously... do they have to call you every five minutes? It got old. Fast. So as you can see, the name Liberty University should have came and went in my mind without a second thought, as it had always done before. Anytime I would consider it... nope. That door just wasn't open. Closed. Locked. No key to be found.

When it happened, it was unlike any other time. Liberty University. And as the bright neon letters shone in my mind's eye, behind them was a door and it was wide open. I should have been ecstatic. I'd solved the mystery of the previous restless night, hadn't I? Breathe a sigh of relief and be excited for a brand new future. No. I was in denial and I was scared. Like you really don't understand. S-C-A-R-E-D. Immediately I tried to forget what I had just thought. No, you made that up. That wasn't real. That feeling is fake. You're imagining things. That wasn't real.

It's really hard to adequately explain what it's like to hear from God. I honestly had a very hard time even admitting that it was the Lord's voice that day, but there's no other explanation for it. It was definitely not something I could make up because I avoided it for two weeks before I would even say it out loud. Days went by and I was still scared. I'd pray that the Lord would take it away, that He would show me I'd made that up and it wasn't real. Or that if it truly was Him speaking that He'd choose another way, a more obvious way. Write it on the wall maybe? I really did ask for that several times. How can I just simply go on a "feeling"?? How made up is that? I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. After that I prayed again. Begging that God would take it away. That I wouldn't feel like this anymore. While I'd always wanted to go away to college, it always seemed like one of those things that would be cool but would never really happen. It was so much easier to just stay here and go to IUPUI. Why, God? Why now? It's almost May! I don't have time. You should have told me earlier. Too late. Sorry boutcha.

I came up with every possible excuse I could to not believe that was really God. I consulted a few people, and got some very sound advice that has stuck with me much in the same as the statement my mom gave me a few years ago. While talking to my friend, Olivia, I said "But how can I ever really know that it's God? I wish He would just write it on the wall. It would be so much easier" Olivia: (paraphrasing) "You're having restless feelings about your future, and then Liberty is the only thing you can think about. God IS writing on the wall, why won't you see it for what it really is?" It was the first thing that had given me comfort in consenting to believe it was truly His voice. Another instance was when talking to a new friend, Pastor Mike, and mentioning how uncertain I was feeling about the whole thing. He made a similarly profound statement: "Walk towards the open door until He closes it." I gained a peace from hearing that like nothing else because it said to me that God will let me know if it's not really His will. If I'm making a mistake, He'd sure make me aware.

When it still didn't go away, I asked that if it were really what He wanted, that He would give me the desire to go there. At this point all I'm feeling is fear. The days passed and gradually my fear turned into acceptance and acceptance into desire and desire into excitement. I wanted to go! But still, I had not voiced it. This is a huge deal.

A night came when my parents were about to go to bed and my mom told me goodnight, I blurted out the words "I don't feel peace about IUPUI anymore." The tears were hard to hold back. It's never an easy thing to have your world, your plans, your routine, your comfortableness completely shaken up by a God who has something better. Because at that time you don't see it as better. You see it as inconvenient and frustrating. A thorn in my side. A threat to my plans. It's not easy to hear yourself say it out loud for the first time. And it's definitely not easy telling your parents that you're changing your mind because "the voice said so." Oh yeah, it was God, I promise. Even with a pastor for a dad, it's not always easy to make a drastic life decision and try to convince him it's really God's will.

I'm blessed to have the support of my parents in going and have never wavered from the peace I've gained in surrendering to go where the Lord is leading me. I am excited beyond expression and cannot wait to be there and see all that He has in store for me.

Yesterday was Early Orientation and my mom and I drove the nine hours to Lynchburg for my first time to see the campus. Gorgeous. There is a spirit about every person we came in contact with that we knew was genuine and lively and something I can't wait to be a part of.

Five weeks from now I'll be packed and ready to hit the road for my newfound home in the mountains of Virginia. Five weeks left to get some things right and say goodbye to Indiana the right way.

Five weeks. Oh, how you will fly by.

Death is Swallowed Up in Victory

Every year this time rolls around, and every year I don't think much about it. I always realize the significance, but I've noticed that each year it becomes more and more special.

Another year I experience in this world is another 365 days I've had to mess up. Age brings experience. The younger I was, the more innocent I was, so Easter never held a strong personal notion to it. But the older I've gotten, the more reason I've needed the cross. The more days I'm in this world, the more I mess up. But the opposite is the same too. The older I get the more knowledge and discernment I gain, therefore helping me make better decisions with my life. However, Easter always reminds me that I'm in need of a Savior. Before I ever even knew it... I was lost and headed away from Christ.

This year Easter is even more personal for me because I know the sin I've lived in and the selfishness I've held on to my whole life. I pray I can love Him more and more because He forgives me more and more.

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little" -- Luke 7:47

Tomorrow marks the day in history when the Son of God conquered death, and with it, sin. I love Christmas. It is my absolute favorite holiday. But Easter, Resurrection Day, is actually the single greatest day in history. No doubt. Better than His birth, without His resurrection the cross was in vain and we are still lost in our sin. But on that third day, a heartbeat began again inside of a lifeless body in a dark and cold tomb. And Jesus Christ stood up and walked out.

Death.
Sin.
Conquered.

"Death is swallowed up in victory.
Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" -- 1 Corinthians 15:54-55

Car Rides

There is something very therapeutic about a car ride. Many times I have gotten out of a car a different person than when I got in. Even in short distances. There is just something about the open road ahead of you that knows no boundaries as to what might happen before your destination is reached.

Yesterday I was on my way home from class, a 30 minute drive, and thinking about random things. The thought crossed my mind to do something nice for someone, and then immediately I wondered to myself, Am I only loved because of the good things I do? If I never did anything nice or special for someone ever again, would I still be loved? The question came out of nowhere. I started wondering if people only really love and care about others because of the things they do or don't do. I think we are all guilty of it to a certain degree, but in this moment I was in a serious worrisome state. The question begged an answer. Could I ever be loved simply because I am Christie?

I will go out on a limb here and take a risk that it might snap off...
I have been guilty of doing things for people for the benefit of being liked. I hate that. It's never a conscious thought I'm thinking, but in the back of my mind I know I'm wanting them to be pleased with me. I'm a people-pleaser. I wish I wasn't. I want no ulterior motives except to benefit someone else in any possible way.

Back to the car. I'm wrestling with this question for quite some time and it was a very intense thinking process. Would someone like me simply because of my spirit? Am I delighted in? Does my heart make people feel better simply because they know me? What if I suddenly did terrible things? What then? All these questions just kept coming up. This car ride was so unlike any other I've had. I was seriously needing answers.

The first question came up again. Am I only loved because of the good things I do?

I heard a Voice at that moment that made my heart drop. People's love may be conditional, but My Love for you is for always. No matter what you do, I will always love you for you.

In the times I have left Him, He has never left me. Christ loves me because I am me. And there's a place in His heart that only I can fill. Jesus knows when we need to hear something. I needed this.

Car rides are an irreplaceable aspect of life. (Except when you take out a shopping cart in the dark. Now that is definitely replaceable).

Isaiah 58

As I am in the middle of another 101 adventure, I realize for the first time what I've gotten myself into.

Number eighteen on my list is "Fast for 3 days." And honestly, I put it there for no other reason than to get it accomplished, not thinking about why I would be fasting for 3 days. Up until time for it to begin, I hadn't really given it much thought at all. The night before it started (2 nights ago), Bethany and I prayed together and I began to grasp the seriousness of what a fast is all about. All along I was just wanting to cross off another 101 project. Then it hit me like a blow to the head.... a fast isn't about a 101 list. It's something so much more serious and impacting. Relationship-altering.

I can't remember when Isaiah 58 started to impact me, but it's been a few years now that every time I come across that chapter I have this desire to experience God the way He promises to be experienced through fasting.

"Is this not the fast that I have chosen:
To loose the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the heavy burdens,
To let the oppressed go free,
And that you break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light shall break forth like the morning,
Your healing shall spring forth speedily,
And your righteousness shall go before you;
The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard."
-- Isaiah 58:6-8

Loose the bonds of wickedness.
Undo the heavy burdens.
Let the oppressed go free.
Break every yoke.

Oh Lord, that it may be so.
I want it.
Jesus, I want You.

#6... Yahweh, have it Your way

I have finally accomplished another 101 task!! #6- get a tattoo :)

A couple of nights ago I was talking to Heather on skype when I told her to come up for my birthday. She said she'd come if I got a tat... and since we have been talking about it for so long now, I told her I just might actually do it! (but there was no pressure! haha but really!) So... after much deliberation... I said, "Heather, get in your car." She left her house around midnight and got to mine around 2am. The next day, January 3, 2009, the day I turned 21 years old... I got my first tattoo.

Stef and Heather watched as the glorious name of our amazing God was imprinted into my skin, forever. I love it.

My birthday absolutely could not have been any better. Some have said that since I actually remember my 21st birthday then it wasn't what it should have been. Horsepucky. How sad would it have been if I hadn't remembered this amazing day?? Seriously... it was awesome.


According to the book, "Praying the Names of God," the name Yahweh occurs more than 6,800 times in the Old Testament, and appears every time you see the word "Lord" in small caps. The name Yahweh is most closely related to God's redeeming acts in the history of His chosen people.

My prayer is that every time my eye catches the writing on my wrist, I will be reminded of the One who gave His life for me. And that every time it catches the eye of someone else, they will inquire, and give me the opportunity to tell them of this amazing God who saves.

My redeemer... Who ever lives in me.


Two down... ninety-nine to go!

101 Things in 1001 Days

So I've joined the 101 hype! ... speaking of hype... everybody should get it! =) anyways, here is my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. I've already accomplished a few too!Creating your own 1001 Day Project
The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).
Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as new year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.
Some common goal setting tips:
1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.
2. Stay Focused. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.
3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.
4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.
5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

101 Things in 1001 Days
11/28/2008 – 8/26/2011

1. Learn to crochet, and make a hat.
2. Make a huge "Yahweh" sign for my wall.
3. Go to Africa.
4. Pay off my credit card debt.
5. Pay off my car.
6. Get a tattoo.
7. Go to Aliquippa, or somewhere like it.
8. Place verses in random places (i.e. car, mirror, computer)
9. Read the Bible from cover to cover.
10. Read 140 books.
11. Buy a pair of toms.
12. Go to the DR. (Haiti)
13. Eat sushi.
14. Go on a camping trip and sleep in a tent.
15. Go hiking in the mountains.
16. Take a completely impulsive, spur of the moment road trip.
17. Pray with a friend on a regular basis.
18. Fast for 3 days.
19. Order a t-shirt from Feed Just One.
20. Move out.
21. Make a list of all the words and definitions that I look up in the dictionary.
22. Go two weeks without facebook (while not on a trip).
    
23. Run through an open field.
24. Go an entire day without talking.
25. Stay up all night praying and reading my Bible. And not sleep until the next night.
26. Give up eating out for 1 month (excluding family outings).
27. Drink only water for a year.
28. Finish cross-stitching the one I started years ago.
29. Watch the sun rise on a clear horizon.
30. Lay under the stars in an open field.
31. Climb up in a tree and read a book.
32. Take a trip on a Greyhound.
33. Go snow-skiing.
34. Learn the trick to solving a rubik’s cube.
35. Recycle in my home.
36. Spend a day and night on the streets.
37. Go fishing in a boat, and catch something.
38. Go hunting.
39. Get my wisdom teeth out.
40. Patch up the holes in my jeans myself.
41. Create a t-shirt design and wear it.
42. Throw a surprise birthday funeral/eulogy for a friend (ok, I came up with this idea and it sounds terrible but if you're curious just ask).
43. Go to bed early every night for a week.
44. Get up by 8am every day for a week.
45. Have a consistent quiet time every day for 2 weeks straight.
46. Make a bracelet and anklet.
47. Make all my Christmas gifts one year.
48. Research clothing brands and don’t buy anything from those with sweatshops (1 yr at least).
49. Drive a motorcycle.
50. Start a prayer board and use it.
51. Buy a nice camera. And take way too many pictures.
52. Take a trip to surprise a friend.
53. Go through a tollway and pay for the car behind me.
54. Wash a stranger’s feet.
55. Plant a tree.
56. Grow some tomatoes.
57. Go a month without texting.
58. Go a week without a cell phone.
59. Go mushroom hunting.
60. Reach 1000 friends on facebook that I legitimately know.
61. Learn to like natural peanut butter.
62. Eat breakfast every day for 2 weeks.
63. Give up sweets for 6 months. (4 is close enough)
    
64. Take a picture straddling a state line.
65. Sponsor a child.
66. Work 70 hours in one week.
67. Go on a cruise.
68. Stop using credit cards.
69. Pay everything in cash.
70. Go on a video scavenger hunt.
71. Document over half of these things in pictures and/or video.
72. Make 20 free throws in a row.
73. Make a half court shot (not off the backboard).
74. Learn an entire dance.
75. Do a fundraiser.
76. Have no more hangnails on my fingers.
77. See the Grand Canyon.
78. Go to NYC.
79. Meet Beth Moore.
80. See Shane and Shane in concert.
81. Grow my hair long enough for braids/pig tails.
82. Visit a homeless shelter.
83. Donate blood and/or plasma once every 6 months.
84. Go whitewater rafting.
85. When I get good service somewhere, tell the manager.
86. Write another poem.
87. Pay for the person’s meal behind me in the drive thru.
88. Give 10 “just because” gifts. (3/10 completed)
89. Try Japanese food.
90. Become an organ donor.
91. Send a recovering soldier a Christmas card.
92. Take vitamins every day for 1 month.
93. Ride in a limo.
94. Save $1 a day for 1001 days.
95. Kiss someone on New Year’s.
96. Go AWOL for 24 hours.
97. Share Christ with an unsuspecting person.
98. Stay up for 48 hours straight.
99. Buy a new pair of sunglasses that I love.
100. Give up going to the movies for a year.
101. Create another 101 in 1001.

This Should Never Happen

It shouldn't matter what country you live in, or how much money you make per year, or the color of your skin. A human being should never ever have to go without food. This is a picture of Venecia Lonis, a 4-yr-old living in Haiti and suffering from malnutrition.

I was skimming through the ads on my desktop when the word "starvation" caught my eye. As soon as I opened up the article, anger shot all through me. You can read it for yourself here.

No one... not one human being... should ever have to be chronically hungry. There is too much abundance in this world, and in this country especially, for this to have to happen. As I read through this article my heart absolutely broke. Immediately I thought of the refrigerator and pantry I have downstairs with so much extra food that my household of four will throw a good portion of away. What did I do to deserve to be born in America where there is an abundance of practically everything?! Why does this 4-yr-old little girl have to be the one starving to death? These kids are barely even reaching 20 lbs. Does this blow anyone else's mind besides me? Seriously. I'm getting an ulcer right now.

The thing that gets me most about this article is the very last line:
I hope the government will hear about us and bring more support.

Who will help these people?


The wealth of the rich is their fortified city -- Proverbs 10:15a

The word fortify means to surround or protect as with a military system. A fortified city has walls built around it to protect. Walls protect, but walls also isolate. We are isolated from the suffering of the rest of the world. I have never been to another country, so pictures like these are all I can go by. But it is enough to tell me that there is a crazy imbalance in this world and it is not okay. Sadly, the vast majority of all Americans who will read that article and see that picture of Venecia in the worst of conditions will simply read it and go on like nothing ever happened.

Jesus said, "Why are you calling me good? No one is good, only God. You know the commandments: Don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, honor your father and mother."

He said, "Teacher, I have—from my youth—kept them all!"

Jesus looked him hard in the eye—and loved him! He said, "There's one thing left: Go sell whatever you own and give it to the poor. All your wealth will then be heavenly wealth. And come follow me."

The man's face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go.
Mark 10:19-22 (The Message)

Has not Jesus called us to be willing to give everything away to those who need it? Does this mean I should literally sell all that I have? Well, I don't know. Does it? Ask your God. He might just be saying that. But would I really admit to hearing it if that's what He says?

The more earthly possessions I have, the easier it is for me to be distracted from the Lord. Honestly, I would literally love nothing better than to pack up all my food in the fridge and give all my stuff away to a little girl like this. Jesus has instilled this incredible fire within me to love the oppressed. To reach out to the hurting and the dying. And I've never even been anywhere to make me feel this way. I read passages like this one above where this man is so shocked to hear Jesus tell him to sell all his things. And I wonder.... why am I not more surprised at the things the Lord is telling me? Am I listening? God is not a conventional God. He's not all about what's safe and secure in this world. He's all about the true Safety and the true Security--that is Him. Not my bank account.

When he finally arrives, blazing in beauty and all his angels with him, the Son of Man will take his place on his glorious throne. Then all the nations will be arranged before him and he will sort the people out, much as a shepherd sorts out sheep and goats, putting sheep to his right and goats to his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why:

I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.'

"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'

"Then he will turn to the 'goats,' the ones on his left, and say, 'Get out, worthless goats! You're good for nothing but the fires of hell. And why? Because—

I was hungry and you gave me no meal,
I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,
I was homeless and you gave me no bed,
I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,
Sick and in prison, and you never visited.'

"Then those 'goats' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn't help?'

"He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.
Matthew 25:31-45 (The Message)

Jesus, I long to love you better.

~C