Five Weeks

Three. Whole. Months.

I am not a dedicated blogger, as one can see from the time span between now and my last post. For me writing is not something to be forced. That's why I hate English so much because I hate being forced to write papers. Don't force me to write!! It has to come. Freely flow from the depths of my soul. So now that I have successfully defended myself, I digress.

A few years ago I remember having a conversation with my mom in our van one morning after church. It was wintertime and snow was on the ground. I have no recollection of what we were talking about, but she made a statement that I will remember and repeat for the rest of my life:

"Things can change so fast it'll make your head spin."

Doesn't sound too profound I guess. But it's been something I've held on to and reminded myself of in the times that I've looked for a change, and in times I've been comfortable and not wanted a change. And when we really apply that statement to the pattern of our lives, we realize the ultimate truth it holds for each of us. Think back on the last five years of your life. Are you where you always thought you would be? Most of us would never have dreamed of being where we are now. Our plans and intentions change as time goes on and we, ourselves, change as time goes on. At the core of it, however, God never changes, and He has known where you would be today since before you were born.

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them." -- Psalm 139:16

Three months ago I had a plan for how my life would unfold this coming fall. Nothing too extravagant. Then what happened to me is what my mom had said. Things changed so fast, my head spun.

I was sitting at home one night, not really doing anything important, but feeling restless. That feeling in the pit of my stomach that said something wasn't quite right, yet I could not figure out what it was or why it was there. I sent out some texts to my closest friends asking them to pray for me and for my future. Have you ever said something that you afterward were surprised you said because you didn't know you were even thinking it? I've done that several times lately, and I did it on this night as well. I opened my Bible and prayed the Lord would show me where to look, what to read. Why was I feeling like this?

I took my Bible, got in my car and drove around for a while. Pulling into a parking lot, I turned on my light and began reading again. As time wore on I became more and more restless and my prayers became frantic and scattered. I needed answers. God, what is the deal here? Take this feeling away. I don't know what You want.

I fell asleep that night with no resolution, and went to work the next morning feeling the exact same way. My prayers were constant and I just knew I was getting a stomach ulcer. As my mind began to wander to my life and my plans, one thing became clear to me: All peace about my plans for school was completely gone. It was as if Jesus just shut the door in my face and said, No. I was terrified. I panicked. Standing in the Ivy Tech Bookstore, my stomach dropped and I wanted to cry. What? Just like that? What is this? I couldn't understand what was happening. I tried to act like I had just conjured up this horrible feeling myself and that it wasn't real. But I got more and more scared the more and more I tried to swallow and forget it. In that moment I knew that I was not going to IUPUI in the fall as I had been planning. My next terrified thought: Then what?? What is this supposed to mean?

My brain was going 90 mph thinking of every possibility for this revelation I'd just had, and as time went on I only became more confused and more insecure. The next two years of my life had just evaporated. I had no foundation, nothing keeping purpose in my every day routine anymore. I remember thinking Ok, if not IUPUI... then where? And then came every school I could think of. And when the name crossed my mind, I knew. And the fear that followed just about made me wet my pants.

For the past two years I've gone to Ivy Tech Community College in Indianapolis. I knew it was just a stepping stone but I hadn't any definite plans for a college afterward, until I finally decided I would just go to IUPUI since nowhere had an open door. Probably the most annoying thing about being in college is when every single school you've ever applied at seems to never lose hope that you will one day be attending THEIR university, so they call you at least once a week. One school in particular being Liberty University. Great school, but I never really planned on going there. Virginia is just too far away. I applied because that's what you do when you're in college. You see a school's name, you apply. It's a rule, isn't it? But seriously... do they have to call you every five minutes? It got old. Fast. So as you can see, the name Liberty University should have came and went in my mind without a second thought, as it had always done before. Anytime I would consider it... nope. That door just wasn't open. Closed. Locked. No key to be found.

When it happened, it was unlike any other time. Liberty University. And as the bright neon letters shone in my mind's eye, behind them was a door and it was wide open. I should have been ecstatic. I'd solved the mystery of the previous restless night, hadn't I? Breathe a sigh of relief and be excited for a brand new future. No. I was in denial and I was scared. Like you really don't understand. S-C-A-R-E-D. Immediately I tried to forget what I had just thought. No, you made that up. That wasn't real. That feeling is fake. You're imagining things. That wasn't real.

It's really hard to adequately explain what it's like to hear from God. I honestly had a very hard time even admitting that it was the Lord's voice that day, but there's no other explanation for it. It was definitely not something I could make up because I avoided it for two weeks before I would even say it out loud. Days went by and I was still scared. I'd pray that the Lord would take it away, that He would show me I'd made that up and it wasn't real. Or that if it truly was Him speaking that He'd choose another way, a more obvious way. Write it on the wall maybe? I really did ask for that several times. How can I just simply go on a "feeling"?? How made up is that? I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. After that I prayed again. Begging that God would take it away. That I wouldn't feel like this anymore. While I'd always wanted to go away to college, it always seemed like one of those things that would be cool but would never really happen. It was so much easier to just stay here and go to IUPUI. Why, God? Why now? It's almost May! I don't have time. You should have told me earlier. Too late. Sorry boutcha.

I came up with every possible excuse I could to not believe that was really God. I consulted a few people, and got some very sound advice that has stuck with me much in the same as the statement my mom gave me a few years ago. While talking to my friend, Olivia, I said "But how can I ever really know that it's God? I wish He would just write it on the wall. It would be so much easier" Olivia: (paraphrasing) "You're having restless feelings about your future, and then Liberty is the only thing you can think about. God IS writing on the wall, why won't you see it for what it really is?" It was the first thing that had given me comfort in consenting to believe it was truly His voice. Another instance was when talking to a new friend, Pastor Mike, and mentioning how uncertain I was feeling about the whole thing. He made a similarly profound statement: "Walk towards the open door until He closes it." I gained a peace from hearing that like nothing else because it said to me that God will let me know if it's not really His will. If I'm making a mistake, He'd sure make me aware.

When it still didn't go away, I asked that if it were really what He wanted, that He would give me the desire to go there. At this point all I'm feeling is fear. The days passed and gradually my fear turned into acceptance and acceptance into desire and desire into excitement. I wanted to go! But still, I had not voiced it. This is a huge deal.

A night came when my parents were about to go to bed and my mom told me goodnight, I blurted out the words "I don't feel peace about IUPUI anymore." The tears were hard to hold back. It's never an easy thing to have your world, your plans, your routine, your comfortableness completely shaken up by a God who has something better. Because at that time you don't see it as better. You see it as inconvenient and frustrating. A thorn in my side. A threat to my plans. It's not easy to hear yourself say it out loud for the first time. And it's definitely not easy telling your parents that you're changing your mind because "the voice said so." Oh yeah, it was God, I promise. Even with a pastor for a dad, it's not always easy to make a drastic life decision and try to convince him it's really God's will.

I'm blessed to have the support of my parents in going and have never wavered from the peace I've gained in surrendering to go where the Lord is leading me. I am excited beyond expression and cannot wait to be there and see all that He has in store for me.

Yesterday was Early Orientation and my mom and I drove the nine hours to Lynchburg for my first time to see the campus. Gorgeous. There is a spirit about every person we came in contact with that we knew was genuine and lively and something I can't wait to be a part of.

Five weeks from now I'll be packed and ready to hit the road for my newfound home in the mountains of Virginia. Five weeks left to get some things right and say goodbye to Indiana the right way.

Five weeks. Oh, how you will fly by.