SB '11

I'm really afraid this post will not even come close to conveying what actually happened during my spring break this year, but I hope somehow my words can formulate a little of all that was experienced.

The past several years I have spent spring break at home and working all the extra hours left to me by everyone else having a real spring break. This year I had wanted to do something special since it's my senior year and my last spring break as an undergrad. A couple of my friends and I had discussed a possible roadtrip to New York, or maybe a camping trip, and of course there is always that ever elusive longing to spend a spring break in Florida. But in the end we just went to my house in Indiana. I knew it would be fun because I was bringing some crazy, fun, and hilarious people home with me, but I definitely had no idea exactly what awaited us as I got in the car to drive nine hours through the night with my two wonderful friends Justeen and Rachel.

I've always considered myself a deep thinker. One who enjoys bending reality in a way that provokes philosophical thought and pondering. I love to marvel over the simple things and make a big deal about what is so easily taken for granted by all of humanity. I was afraid I was going to struggle at the wheel during the drive since we left at 10pm, but I have never been more energetic on a drive home before. Almost every sentence out of our mouths began with either "Isn't it weird how..." or "Have you guys ever thought of..." and the typical response to whatever it was would be something like "whoa... that's awesome" or "man... God is really amazing." And before we knew it, God had snuck up on us. From one thing to the next, everything we talked about somehow seemed to point back to how incredible our God is and how much we will never grasp or understand about His being. That ride home goes down as one of the greatest conversations I've ever had.

We didn't know it at the time, but this was causing an unexpected shift inside each of our hearts. Instead of sleeping non-stop and watching movies all day, we discovered a new dynamic in our conversations and we were suddenly thirsty to know more about the Lord. We asked each other question after question... not really looking for actual answers but allowing our minds to be stretched and our hearts to be cracked open... just enough to let Him breathe a fresh breath inside of us and stir up the passions and longings we'd allowed to become dormant for so long. I can't really describe what was happening. But whatever it was... we definitely were not looking for it.

We spent time with my parents. Justeen asked them so many meaningful questions every chance she got and I probably learned more about my family than I'd ever tried to know before. We laughed until we couldn't breathe. We stayed up until all hours of the night. But we didn't do any of the things we thought we would. And so many more things we never expected we'd want to do.

Without really meaning to, we ended up praying together every night before going to bed. Each night the prayers got longer and more intensely powerful. We began pouring things out in front of each other that each of us individually probably hadn't prayed by ourselves in a very long time, if at all. We went through names and names of people we longed to see come to Christ. We prayed for each other and for our relationships and for God to make use of us in our seemingly small lives. After we'd finish praying there was always this extra strong bond felt between us. Like we'd just fought a battle side by side. We began talking about things we could do to make an impact over our break instead of being lazy and unproductive. We made dinner for a family in our church and were told very specifically that we had been an answer to prayer. There's nothing quite like hearing someone say that you were the one God had in mind to use when that person prayed for something.

If I tried to explain every moment we experienced over this break it would take hours and hours of writing and hours and hours for you to read. The basic reality is that God showed up in a big way in our hearts this spring break. And the most amazing part about it is that we weren't even looking for Him. He just decided to show up and give us a good shaking up like only He can do.

One of my greatest prayers during the week was that He would instill within me a desire for Him that goes beyond any emotion. I didn't want that break to simply be a spiritual high of sorts and to come back to school and forget all about it. It transformed a lot of how I pray and how much time I spend in the Word. As crazy as this may sound, it is almost April and I am three days ahead in my Bible reading plan. Typically I am way behind at this point but I have been excited to get into it and really search out the Scriptures. Since we've been back Justeen has not stopped asking me to tell her Bible stories. It's been so amazing discussing the random stories of the Bible with my friends and just letting it soak inside us while we read and talk about it.

There was a reason for why God chose to invade our spring break like He did. I don't want it to be in vain and even when the emotion and feeling has died away I want to continue cultivating a deeper relationship with Christ and also with the incredible friends He has blessed me with.

Neither Florida nor New York could have compared to spring break 2011 in Plainfield, Indiana.

Stretching Myself

I'm feeling the pressure.

Both of my best friends just started blogs and are blowing them up with posts. I've made myself a challenge to match each post of theirs with one of my own. Doubtful it'll actually happen but I'll make an attempt.

I've been making a list of things I've decided to call weeklies. It's this idea I've come up with where I have a goal for each week to do something I wouldn't normally do for the entire week. This week's weekly is to pray only praises to God and not ask for a single thing. The only prayer I can pray beyond merely praising and thanking God for all that He is and does for me is to ask that His will be done. Even today I've been really tempted to ask for things, but instead I just simply say, "Lord, I want Your will. Let it be as You would have it." It's pretty hard to not ask for anything, but I woke up this morning and praises just started rolling across my mind. "God, You are so amazing to me. You provided me a wonderful place to live, You put food in my cabinets, You give me money to buy things that I usually can do just fine without, You gave me amazing friends, and You give me a second and third and fourth chance every day to follow and pursue after You." He is so merciful. I'm hoping this week's weekly will help me center myself on the Lord and reignite a reverence for Him that I've been lacking.

Who am I to ask things of the Creator of the universe? Who am I?

Of course He does want me to ask for things, which is why this is only a week long thing. But I know it's good for me to take the focus off myself for a while.

I'm kind of excited about this list. And what God is wanting to show me by doing all this.

As much as I hate to even type these words-- It's good to stretch myself... I just hope I don't pull something....

It's time...

I am the world's most perfectionistic blogger. That's probably why it's been over a year since I last wrote on here. I write a paragraph and then I completely erase it. It's not that I want it to be absolutely perfect, but for some reason I'm just really picky about what I say.

I'd like to say I'm sorry for not having blogged in so long, but I'm honestly not that sorry. Bloggerland is much better off having not heard all I could have written in the past year. Well, I partially take that back. God has done an incredible work in me this past year (more so than any other year, no doubt) and I know I could have let all of you in on the incredible ways He has revealed Himself to me, but this year has been about truly coming to know Him in a way that I never have before... and I think He has wanted me to keep it to myself. Until now.

I've had a compelling need rising up for some time now to start blogging again. But it's an easy thing to put off when you haven't written in so long. I used to write all the time, even before I started this blog. I've never done it to keep people "updated" but rather to put life into a better perspective for myself. And if it affects others in a similar way, I'm thankful. So there I was with this secret internal compulsion to put my pen to the paper, when an external confirmation made its appearance. My best friend decided to randomly ask why I don't ever write anymore and mentioned that she checks my blog all the time. Justeen Roy, I dedicate this to you.

So here you have it. A blog about writing blogs. Probably a disappointment to some, but it's just what I needed for right now. I have many different subject matters I want to discuss here very soon. But I needed just a simple jump-start to get myself going. I think I'll put that here:

It's time to write again.

A Milestone

If you are a typical human being, you will experience at least several monumental moments over the course of your life. The first day of school. Learning to ride a bike. Graduating High School. Getting married. Having a baby. These are what we would call milestones. Every person has them, big or small, public or private.

Recently I reached another milestone in my life. One that some may not even refer to as a milestone, but for me it's been the day that I've been waiting for for a long time.

Three weeks from now I will be living in Lynchburg, Virginia going to Liberty University. My major is in Counseling Psychology and my goal is to be a Marriage and Family Therapist. Whether or not that actually happens, I'm leaving it in God's hands. But I've never had any question as to what my major would be. Counseling. A no-brainer. Never thought twice about it.

Most people view counseling, or therapy, as a last resort for the weakest of the weak. Only the nut jobs have to have it. A normal person is normal, therefore they are in no need of any sort of counseling. Right? This is what we tell ourselves, and even if we never consciously think those thoughts, society has us believing that if anyone ever knew we went to counseling, they'd think us a freak. Tell me I'm wrong.

For the past seven months I, myself, have been in counseling. It was something I knew I needed for a long time before I finally admitted it and asked for help. And that's exactly what counseling is. Help. Sometimes we can't do it all on our own. Sometimes the most normal person actually needs a little bit of normality. And sometimes there is a better solution than avoiding your not-yet-dealt-with issues that are poisoning your potential.

We all do things we regret. We all do things that affect us long-term, and when those issues are not dealt with properly, they become a thorn in the flesh. Stuffing something down further and further, refusing to bring it back up and deal with it will only hinder a person from growing and moving on. And that's exactly what was happening to me. The more time that would pass by, the better I became at suppressing. I was fine. Time would heal all things and eventually none of this would ever haunt me again. But I was wrong. Time made things worse. The further down I shoved my past, the more it ached within me. It's like needing to throw up. You feel so terrible, but you keep holding it in. You don't want to bring back up that awful taste. The awful smell. The terrible sounds. But the more you hold it in, the worse you feel. Finally it all comes up and as much as you hated the process, you feel so much better now don't you?

I didn't want to face things again. I didn't want to deal with what I'd been avoiding for so long. Time heals all wounds, right?

My first visit to see the counselor was one of the worst days of my life. I was scared beyond expression. I sat there with the biggest knot in my stomach and literally wanted to physically throw up. Nothing could compare to the first and second weeks. As the weeks wore on, it became easier. Once over the hump, I began to see gradual transformation in my life. And when I say gradual, I mean snail mail gradual. Healing comes slowly.

But oh how worth it it is in the end!

On Thursday, July 30, 2009 around noon, I got in my car and drove out of a parking lot in Indianapolis leaving behind the biggest load I ever hope to carry in my entire life. No it didn't happen in one day. But the final session with my counselor marked an unbelievable end to an unbearable load carried too long and too far. It also marked an incredible beginning to a world not yet experienced and taken into my heart in full. A milestone.

I cannot tell you what counseling could do for you. But I'll tell what counseling did for me.

It brought freedom.

I give zero credit to the person in the chair listening to me, and 100% credit to the Savior of my heart who rescued me from too many years of bondage and captivity to my own regrets and self-loathing. Only He can remove those things from my heart and life and replace them with amazing peace, hope, gratitude and guidance.

So. Maybe you're the person who has never thought counseling to be for the normals. Or maybe you've been exactly where I've been and can give similar testimony about the benefits of counseling. Or maybe... you're living in a prison with walls you constructed yourself. Maybe you know what it's like to be in bondage and unable to find freedom. Maybe you don't remember the last time you felt worthy of forgiveness and love. Or. It may be that you feel none of these on the surface, but deep down you know you're avoiding what needs to be dealt with. Whatever that may be. If that is you, please understand something: That was me.

I consider my experience in seven months of counseling to have been one of the greatest decisions I could have ever made, and I am so glad to know what it feels like to be on the couch. If it's what God has, one day I'll be the one in the chair saying, "I've sat where you're sitting, and I'm glad you're here."

A social stigma may tell you that counseling is the last thing you could ever need barring some terrible life-altering tragedy. On the contrary, it is very much for the "normal" people. Don't be afraid of it.

God so badly wants to change your life. He doesn't want you being held back by things since past. He doesn't want you held back by addictions no one else knows about. He wants you out of that double life and free from all hindrances. The feeling of freedom is indescribable. You can have that.

I have that.

Five Weeks

Three. Whole. Months.

I am not a dedicated blogger, as one can see from the time span between now and my last post. For me writing is not something to be forced. That's why I hate English so much because I hate being forced to write papers. Don't force me to write!! It has to come. Freely flow from the depths of my soul. So now that I have successfully defended myself, I digress.

A few years ago I remember having a conversation with my mom in our van one morning after church. It was wintertime and snow was on the ground. I have no recollection of what we were talking about, but she made a statement that I will remember and repeat for the rest of my life:

"Things can change so fast it'll make your head spin."

Doesn't sound too profound I guess. But it's been something I've held on to and reminded myself of in the times that I've looked for a change, and in times I've been comfortable and not wanted a change. And when we really apply that statement to the pattern of our lives, we realize the ultimate truth it holds for each of us. Think back on the last five years of your life. Are you where you always thought you would be? Most of us would never have dreamed of being where we are now. Our plans and intentions change as time goes on and we, ourselves, change as time goes on. At the core of it, however, God never changes, and He has known where you would be today since before you were born.

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them." -- Psalm 139:16

Three months ago I had a plan for how my life would unfold this coming fall. Nothing too extravagant. Then what happened to me is what my mom had said. Things changed so fast, my head spun.

I was sitting at home one night, not really doing anything important, but feeling restless. That feeling in the pit of my stomach that said something wasn't quite right, yet I could not figure out what it was or why it was there. I sent out some texts to my closest friends asking them to pray for me and for my future. Have you ever said something that you afterward were surprised you said because you didn't know you were even thinking it? I've done that several times lately, and I did it on this night as well. I opened my Bible and prayed the Lord would show me where to look, what to read. Why was I feeling like this?

I took my Bible, got in my car and drove around for a while. Pulling into a parking lot, I turned on my light and began reading again. As time wore on I became more and more restless and my prayers became frantic and scattered. I needed answers. God, what is the deal here? Take this feeling away. I don't know what You want.

I fell asleep that night with no resolution, and went to work the next morning feeling the exact same way. My prayers were constant and I just knew I was getting a stomach ulcer. As my mind began to wander to my life and my plans, one thing became clear to me: All peace about my plans for school was completely gone. It was as if Jesus just shut the door in my face and said, No. I was terrified. I panicked. Standing in the Ivy Tech Bookstore, my stomach dropped and I wanted to cry. What? Just like that? What is this? I couldn't understand what was happening. I tried to act like I had just conjured up this horrible feeling myself and that it wasn't real. But I got more and more scared the more and more I tried to swallow and forget it. In that moment I knew that I was not going to IUPUI in the fall as I had been planning. My next terrified thought: Then what?? What is this supposed to mean?

My brain was going 90 mph thinking of every possibility for this revelation I'd just had, and as time went on I only became more confused and more insecure. The next two years of my life had just evaporated. I had no foundation, nothing keeping purpose in my every day routine anymore. I remember thinking Ok, if not IUPUI... then where? And then came every school I could think of. And when the name crossed my mind, I knew. And the fear that followed just about made me wet my pants.

For the past two years I've gone to Ivy Tech Community College in Indianapolis. I knew it was just a stepping stone but I hadn't any definite plans for a college afterward, until I finally decided I would just go to IUPUI since nowhere had an open door. Probably the most annoying thing about being in college is when every single school you've ever applied at seems to never lose hope that you will one day be attending THEIR university, so they call you at least once a week. One school in particular being Liberty University. Great school, but I never really planned on going there. Virginia is just too far away. I applied because that's what you do when you're in college. You see a school's name, you apply. It's a rule, isn't it? But seriously... do they have to call you every five minutes? It got old. Fast. So as you can see, the name Liberty University should have came and went in my mind without a second thought, as it had always done before. Anytime I would consider it... nope. That door just wasn't open. Closed. Locked. No key to be found.

When it happened, it was unlike any other time. Liberty University. And as the bright neon letters shone in my mind's eye, behind them was a door and it was wide open. I should have been ecstatic. I'd solved the mystery of the previous restless night, hadn't I? Breathe a sigh of relief and be excited for a brand new future. No. I was in denial and I was scared. Like you really don't understand. S-C-A-R-E-D. Immediately I tried to forget what I had just thought. No, you made that up. That wasn't real. That feeling is fake. You're imagining things. That wasn't real.

It's really hard to adequately explain what it's like to hear from God. I honestly had a very hard time even admitting that it was the Lord's voice that day, but there's no other explanation for it. It was definitely not something I could make up because I avoided it for two weeks before I would even say it out loud. Days went by and I was still scared. I'd pray that the Lord would take it away, that He would show me I'd made that up and it wasn't real. Or that if it truly was Him speaking that He'd choose another way, a more obvious way. Write it on the wall maybe? I really did ask for that several times. How can I just simply go on a "feeling"?? How made up is that? I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. After that I prayed again. Begging that God would take it away. That I wouldn't feel like this anymore. While I'd always wanted to go away to college, it always seemed like one of those things that would be cool but would never really happen. It was so much easier to just stay here and go to IUPUI. Why, God? Why now? It's almost May! I don't have time. You should have told me earlier. Too late. Sorry boutcha.

I came up with every possible excuse I could to not believe that was really God. I consulted a few people, and got some very sound advice that has stuck with me much in the same as the statement my mom gave me a few years ago. While talking to my friend, Olivia, I said "But how can I ever really know that it's God? I wish He would just write it on the wall. It would be so much easier" Olivia: (paraphrasing) "You're having restless feelings about your future, and then Liberty is the only thing you can think about. God IS writing on the wall, why won't you see it for what it really is?" It was the first thing that had given me comfort in consenting to believe it was truly His voice. Another instance was when talking to a new friend, Pastor Mike, and mentioning how uncertain I was feeling about the whole thing. He made a similarly profound statement: "Walk towards the open door until He closes it." I gained a peace from hearing that like nothing else because it said to me that God will let me know if it's not really His will. If I'm making a mistake, He'd sure make me aware.

When it still didn't go away, I asked that if it were really what He wanted, that He would give me the desire to go there. At this point all I'm feeling is fear. The days passed and gradually my fear turned into acceptance and acceptance into desire and desire into excitement. I wanted to go! But still, I had not voiced it. This is a huge deal.

A night came when my parents were about to go to bed and my mom told me goodnight, I blurted out the words "I don't feel peace about IUPUI anymore." The tears were hard to hold back. It's never an easy thing to have your world, your plans, your routine, your comfortableness completely shaken up by a God who has something better. Because at that time you don't see it as better. You see it as inconvenient and frustrating. A thorn in my side. A threat to my plans. It's not easy to hear yourself say it out loud for the first time. And it's definitely not easy telling your parents that you're changing your mind because "the voice said so." Oh yeah, it was God, I promise. Even with a pastor for a dad, it's not always easy to make a drastic life decision and try to convince him it's really God's will.

I'm blessed to have the support of my parents in going and have never wavered from the peace I've gained in surrendering to go where the Lord is leading me. I am excited beyond expression and cannot wait to be there and see all that He has in store for me.

Yesterday was Early Orientation and my mom and I drove the nine hours to Lynchburg for my first time to see the campus. Gorgeous. There is a spirit about every person we came in contact with that we knew was genuine and lively and something I can't wait to be a part of.

Five weeks from now I'll be packed and ready to hit the road for my newfound home in the mountains of Virginia. Five weeks left to get some things right and say goodbye to Indiana the right way.

Five weeks. Oh, how you will fly by.

Death is Swallowed Up in Victory

Every year this time rolls around, and every year I don't think much about it. I always realize the significance, but I've noticed that each year it becomes more and more special.

Another year I experience in this world is another 365 days I've had to mess up. Age brings experience. The younger I was, the more innocent I was, so Easter never held a strong personal notion to it. But the older I've gotten, the more reason I've needed the cross. The more days I'm in this world, the more I mess up. But the opposite is the same too. The older I get the more knowledge and discernment I gain, therefore helping me make better decisions with my life. However, Easter always reminds me that I'm in need of a Savior. Before I ever even knew it... I was lost and headed away from Christ.

This year Easter is even more personal for me because I know the sin I've lived in and the selfishness I've held on to my whole life. I pray I can love Him more and more because He forgives me more and more.

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little" -- Luke 7:47

Tomorrow marks the day in history when the Son of God conquered death, and with it, sin. I love Christmas. It is my absolute favorite holiday. But Easter, Resurrection Day, is actually the single greatest day in history. No doubt. Better than His birth, without His resurrection the cross was in vain and we are still lost in our sin. But on that third day, a heartbeat began again inside of a lifeless body in a dark and cold tomb. And Jesus Christ stood up and walked out.

Death.
Sin.
Conquered.

"Death is swallowed up in victory.
Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" -- 1 Corinthians 15:54-55

Car Rides

There is something very therapeutic about a car ride. Many times I have gotten out of a car a different person than when I got in. Even in short distances. There is just something about the open road ahead of you that knows no boundaries as to what might happen before your destination is reached.

Yesterday I was on my way home from class, a 30 minute drive, and thinking about random things. The thought crossed my mind to do something nice for someone, and then immediately I wondered to myself, Am I only loved because of the good things I do? If I never did anything nice or special for someone ever again, would I still be loved? The question came out of nowhere. I started wondering if people only really love and care about others because of the things they do or don't do. I think we are all guilty of it to a certain degree, but in this moment I was in a serious worrisome state. The question begged an answer. Could I ever be loved simply because I am Christie?

I will go out on a limb here and take a risk that it might snap off...
I have been guilty of doing things for people for the benefit of being liked. I hate that. It's never a conscious thought I'm thinking, but in the back of my mind I know I'm wanting them to be pleased with me. I'm a people-pleaser. I wish I wasn't. I want no ulterior motives except to benefit someone else in any possible way.

Back to the car. I'm wrestling with this question for quite some time and it was a very intense thinking process. Would someone like me simply because of my spirit? Am I delighted in? Does my heart make people feel better simply because they know me? What if I suddenly did terrible things? What then? All these questions just kept coming up. This car ride was so unlike any other I've had. I was seriously needing answers.

The first question came up again. Am I only loved because of the good things I do?

I heard a Voice at that moment that made my heart drop. People's love may be conditional, but My Love for you is for always. No matter what you do, I will always love you for you.

In the times I have left Him, He has never left me. Christ loves me because I am me. And there's a place in His heart that only I can fill. Jesus knows when we need to hear something. I needed this.

Car rides are an irreplaceable aspect of life. (Except when you take out a shopping cart in the dark. Now that is definitely replaceable).